We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person

This is a satirical piece by Jonathan Zeller published on McSweeney's in September 2026, depicting a dystopian corporate environment where an employee at a fictional conglomerate called Mondo Mayo is forced to return to a grueling six-day-per-week office schedule under the guise of needing AI tools used in person. The narrator ironically justifies the return-to-office mandate through absurd corporate logic, including Mondo Mayo's bloated management structure, AI surveillance systems, and a construction site office environment filled with hazards. The piece satirizes corporate culture, productivity metrics, and the increasingly absurd justifications companies use to mandate office presence.